As a parent of a child with dyslexia, helping my son deal with bullying is an ongoing challenge.

I asked U.K.-based Parenting Support Specialist Nicola Bailey if she would allow me to adapt her post on how to give bullying a pushback. She graciously agreed.

What is bullying?

There’s no legal definition for bullying, but it’s generally understood as a mode of behaviour that intimidates others physically, emotionally or socially, either in person or virtually. Online bullying is now a major problem for children. Current data from the government website shows:

• Around one in five children aged 10 to 15 years in England and Wales (19%) experienced at least one type of online bullying behaviour in the year ending March 2020, equivalent to 764,000 children.

• Greater use of smartphones, social media and networking applications means online bullying can follow a child anywhere they go.

• 1 in 5 children between the ages of 10 to 15 had experienced some form of online bullying in the previous 12 months.

Despite schools having anti-bullying policies, bullying remains something most parents will have to deal with at some point or another. We are all aware of how dangerous and damaging bullying can be, but it’s not always easy to spot the signs or know the best way to handle it.

Why do children bully?

Like all human behaviours, bullying can manifest from a variety of sources. Some imitate aggressive adults, some are ‘taught’ through rewarded unacceptable behaviour, and others find it’s an easy way to get what they want when they lack social skills.

It also brings a sense of power, often to children who lack a sense of control in other aspects of their lives.

Who is at risk of being bullied?

All children are at risk of being bullied (as indeed are adults). However, some are more at risk than others, and the overriding factors of vulnerability are being ‘different’ in some way. Differences can cause an element of isolation, for example:

• A physical difference

• A language/accent difference

• Being a newly joined pupil

• Being outstandingly bright, able or talented

• Having special needs or learning challenges

The isolation factor is key to the bully’s success because it makes the intimidated child less confident in standing up for themselves. They are less likely to think they have backup or support. Indeed, research shows that children singled out for bullying often lack assertiveness or are shy or have an air of timidity about them. I see this as good news. These are changeable, and as parents, we can work with our children to make them more resilient.

The tell-tale signs of bullying

Children’s behaviour will change when they are being bullied, often in a subtly way, and they may be reluctant to talk about it. Signs may include:

• Your child comes home with torn, damaged, or missing pieces of clothing, books, or other belongings

• Has unexplained cuts, bruises, and scratches

• Seems afraid of going to school, walking to and from school or catching the school bus

• Your child makes up excuses as to why they can’t go to school

• Has lost interest in schoolwork or suddenly begins to do poorly in school

• Appears sad, moody, teary, or depressed

• Complains frequently of headaches, stomach aches or other physical ailments

• Has trouble sleeping or has frequent bad dreams

• Experiences a loss of appetite

• Appears anxious and suffers from low self-esteem

How to help if you suspect bullying 

If your child displays any of these signs, your automatic response is to want to talk about it. However, being bullied can make a child feel anxious, isolated, worthless and reduce their confidence – emotions that they may find hard to share. Asking them outright if they are being bullied can often trigger a flat denial for several reasons. They may feel shame, worry about disappointing you, or worry about what action you may take.

Discuss school, friendships, and playtime activities with your child in more general terms. Ask who they hang out with and who they share lunch with to understand how their friendship network is shaped. If you detect a change in their usual groupings, ask what happened and why it has changed.

Help the child decide what they want to happen

Discovering your child is being bullied typically awakens the tiger mum/dad within us. We have an instinct to protect our children, which can evoke a range of emotions in us as parents, from anger to guilt and sadness. These feelings are valid and need time to be worked through, but initially, they need to be put aside to listen to what is being said.

Asking gentle, non-judgmental, open-ended questions and checking what your child wants you to do empowers both parties. Being bullied implies experiencing over-powering domination from another. Therefore, it is critical whilst helping that the focus is on raising self-esteem and confidence and reassuring the child they have done nothing wrong. Allowing the child to decide what they want from various options helps to re-balance their sense of self.

Practical steps to give bullying a pushback

Schools are one of the most common places for bullying to spring from, and they often have several support strategies in place. A school’s ethos is to ensure that any bullying issues are resolved. After all, schools want the best opportunities for all children to flourish—their reputation rests on this! Before approaching the school, though, it is helpful if you can:

• Make a note of as many details as possible, listing all the facts and potential evidence.

• Make a specific appointment to see the head of year (secondary schools) or class teacher (primary schools). That way, they will have time to give you their full attention.

• Have a teamwork approach with the school—working together will resolve any issues much more efficiently.

 

Creating bully-resilient children

The best form of defence against bullying is a combination of social charm and self-confidence, and as parents, we are best placed to nurture both. Self-confidence comes from a belief that we are perfectly good enough and worthy of love and kindness. It also enables us to be kinder to others. This is the basis of Brook Gibb’s bullying intervention—a concept he has shared in over 1500 schools across the globe.

The ‘Golden Rule’ lies at the centre of his approach. It is a reversal of the social science law of reciprocity, which dictates that we react to others in the way they approach us. This suggests others lead our reactions. Gibb, however, advocates the disarmament of bullies occurs when we have the confidence to treat the bully as we would a friend.

As Gibb puts it, ‘The minute someone is mean to us, and we choose to be kind back, a switch flips in their brain. Their brain tells them to stop being mean and to start reciprocating kindness’.

Practising the ‘Golden Rule’ puts us in charge and frees us from living in reaction to our enemy’s actions. It disempowers bullies who seek control, reverses the balance of power in our relationships, and allows us to communicate from a position of strength and confidence: calmly and kindly, motivated by positive virtues of reconciliation and peace rather than negative reactions of anger, resentment, and revenge.

If you take nothing else from this post, watch Gibb demonstrate the ‘Golden Rule’ anti-bullying technique.

 

Develop your child’s confidence to give bullying a pushback

Of course, this method’s success relies strongly on our children having the confidence to overcome the bully’s aggressive and domineering approach. As parents, we watch our children learn new skills all the time, and with practice, they acquire the capability to use them with ease. Confidence comes with mastery. We can present opportunities for our children to achieve confidence through:

• Opportunity to be in charge, for example, allow them to organise pet care or make a meal.

• Talking through mistakes / disappointing outcomes. This is where our best learning occurs, and understanding that we grow from errors dismantles the idea that always being right is best.

• Opportunity to be the learner. Encouraging our children to be curious and interested in the world around them fosters a spirit of questioning and learning, and promotes an open mind.

• Perseverance. Learning not to give up when frustrated is an important life skill. As parents, we can praise and talk through accepting a challenge and help our children to understand that all things in life take practice.

• Identifying what interests them. This can help them develop a sense of identity, which is essential to building confidence. Of course, seeing their talents grow will also give a tremendous boost to their self-esteem.

• Setting goals. Setting and achieving goals makes children feel strong. Turning desires and dreams into actionable goals encourages them to recognise what they want to accomplish.

Each child is unique, and therefore each will need bespoke support to address their specific needs. You may like to read this post on how to show your child that you love them.

Hopefully, though, this general overview will provide a steer towards giving bullying behaviour a push back.

Do you have any tips to share about giving bullying a pushback?

With thanks to Nicola Bailey.

Nicola Bailey is an educationist specialising in parent and family support. She has worked in pre-school and secondary as an assistant head. Her Ph.D. is in education and focuses on the effects of parent support on children’s outcomes.

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To read how to teach spelling and reading in 30 minutes a day, click here.